Personality Problems {My resolve to just BE}

In my pre-kid, professional life, I routinely took various personality assessments.  My results were always, always in the category with descriptive words such as "driven", "leader", "multi-tasker", "high achieving", "organized", "perfectionist", etc.  Secretly, I thought that I was getting it "right" by scoring in this type of personality.  I actually even felt kind of sorry for anyone who didn't have the same type of personality as me.  You know, the people who have the more feeling, relational types of personalities.  I viewed them as less able to succeed.  Or lead.  Or multi-task.  Or do things well.  

So I always took a lot of pride in my Type A - get things done well - climb the ladder - organize - multi-task - be a leader - personality.  

And it served me very well.  For many years.

As a college student.  As a graduate student.  As a professional CPA.  As a business owner and professional speaker.  As a direct sales distributor.  

My personality allowed me to succeed very well in all of those "jobs".  And I felt accomplished.  

Successful.  

But now my job is completely different.

I stay home with my 5 small children.  

It's the job I've always dreamed about.  The one I always wanted.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  

But...

The personality I attached so much pride to has presented all kinds of problems to me in my role of stay-home-mom.

I've been at this gig for almost 10 years now.  And I'm only now discovering that...
Type A/semi OCD personality + 5 small children = feeling very unsuccessful.

Which is how I've felt for a long time.

I realize that this is only a feeling.

And that the stick by which I am measuring success or accomplishment is flawed.

But I can't help it!  It's the way I'm wired.

I turned 40 a few months ago, so I've had this driven, perfectionist personality for a long, long time.  

And as much as I want to, need to, turn it off, I simply struggle - battle - with it constantly.

Always crumbs on the floor. I vacuum constantly.
Play vegetables in the play fruit bin.  Makes me itch.
Regular book in the Christmas book bin.  Can't happen.
Laundry overflowing. Washing machine always running.
Dress up clothes everywhere.  Must be hung up.
Forts in bedrooms.  I can't even.
Dishes.  Leave them in the sink for the morning?  Insanity!

And then there's the school papers, home made art work, pages ripped out of coloring books and"treasures" such as rocks from the school playground and soaked paper towel balls colored in marker ink.  All things that are "gifted" to me by the precious ones in my house.

Earring backs and rubber bands for bracelets and golf tees and Nerf bullets covering the carpets causing minor foot injuries.

Winter = Coats + hats + gloves + snow boots + scarves + ear muffs + sweatshirts (because 4th graders are too cool to wear actual coats!).

American Girls and their accessories.  Enough said.

Shoes.  So, so many shoes.  I can't even think about the socks for fear that hives will develop.

And then there are the crafts. Glue and popsicle sticks and googly eyes and stickers.  Oh, stickers!  Who would have guessed that something I once loved so very much would now receive top billing on the "things I detest" list.

Hair elastics and clips and bows and headbands and bobby pins and sweatbands and scruncci's (is that a real word?).

Picture un-organization.   

Clothes sorting and storing and sorting and storing and sorting...

And these things only cover the anxiety related to my house. There are more...

There are holidays and birthdays and overall child-rearing responsibilities. And volunteer requests and personal upkeep and homework projects.  And after school activities and doctor appointments and family functions.

My.Head.Spins trying to do it all.  

And do it all well.  To the standards of my problem personality. 

And try as I have for these past 10 years to parent with the same drive and determination as my personality type would attack a project or a job, I simply can't do it anymore.

I Can't Do It All Well!

The problem with my personality though is that I know how to DO things.  I'm really good at "doing".  I'm a task master.  Lists are my love language.  I can easily "do".  But I have trouble just "being".  

Playing, laughing, crafting, listening, engaging... just BEING.

Especially in my home where I can see all things that I need to DO.  It's a constant battle to let go of the things I need to DO when all I see are crumbs and shoes and markers and Nerf bullets and rubber bands and...  

But here's what I've learned this past year:

God made Human Beings.  Not Human Doings.

                               & 

Relationships always trump rituals.

I believe these truths in the depths of my heart and soul.  It's just hard for my perfectionist personality to come to grips with them.  Because it means letting go of perfection.  Letting go of a completed list.  Letting go of my own inflated standards of success.   

Saying "just let it go" to a personality like mine is like saying to an alcoholic "just don't drink".  It's not that simple.  In fact, it's not simple at all.  

But it's my resolve.  My firm and determined resolve.

I now find myself in a place where I wish I would have scored differently on my personality assessments.  I need personality dialysis.  Take out a little of the A and add a little of the B, C & D.  Instead of being the accomplished "lion", I now desperately wish I were the feeling "koala".  I bet the "koala's" don't struggle to let go of tasks in order to play.  To laugh.  To BE.

I inwardly curse the personality traits that once enabled me to be so successful.  And I crave the personality traits that will help me to be successful in the things that matter most...my relationship with my kids and husband. 

They matter more than the tasks I've been programmed to master and keep neat for so many years.

They matter more than my compulsion for order.  

They matter more than the uncomfortableness I feel when I allow things to be less than perfect.

They matter more.  

Always.  They matter more.

So as 2014 draws to a close, I find myself reflecting a lot on my personality problems.  And while I'm not a resolution maker per se, I feel the Holy Spirit working within me and pushing me to "just BE" more often in 2015.  It's that simple.  My resolution for 2015 is, simply, to BE.

To BE...
a present mom,
a playing mom, 
a laughing mom, 
a dancing mom, 
a mom who says "no" to excess volunteering, 
a mom who says "yes" with intention,
a listening mom, 
an empathetic mom, 
a coloring mom, 
a "leave the dishes in the sink...sometimes" mom, 
a mom who says "sure" more often than "just a minute",
a praying mom,
a reading mom,
a mom who says "yes" a little more than she says "no",
a praising mom,
a making eye contact mom,
a mom who puts the phone down in the presence of others,
a mom who puts relationships before rituals,
a sometimes messy mom,
a kind mom,
a loving mom,
a mom who bears the fruits I long to harvest in my soul,
a BEING mom...

a mom who daily, sometimes momentarily, invites the Holy Spirit to fill up my soul with the grace and the help I need to be all that God wants me to BE for that day. 

I am a human being.  Not a human doing.

And so I will battle my problem personality fiercely in 2015.

For them.

For them, I will seek the grace for more of this.

For the grace To Just BE.