Hold On {Lucy is 18 months}

I'm not gonna lie.

Having 5 kids is not for the faint of heart.  Especially at my age!

I'm exhausted and feel like I'm nearly always "treading water" and just trying not to drown!

And so as much as I vowed and hoped and tried to savor and hold on to the time of Lucy being a baby, the truth is that it flew by...possibly even faster than the "baby time" of any of the babies that came before her.

Our Lucy Elizabeth turned 18 months in December.

That means she is officially closer to a 2 year old toddler than she is to a chubby bunch of baby love.

As I rocked her to sleep tonight, contemplating that fact as well as lamenting the reality of the speed of time, I decided to take a minute to document the things about our 18 month "Wonderbaby" that we find so charming and delightful... before more time passes and I forget (because let's be honest, a person of my age with 5 kids won't ever remember anything that isn't written down!).

Lucy Elizabeth loves....

Puppies
I think puppy was her first word (after Mama and Daddy).  She LOVES to say the word "puppy" and calls most all animals "puppies".  Each of her siblings picked out a Christmas gift for her and each of them chose a puppy because they all know that is her main love!

Herself
She loves to look at pictures of herself on the phone and proudly says "I" when she sees her chubby smiling self staring back at her!

Shoes
She calls them "shoies" and loves to change them multiple times a day.  And I can 100% guarantee that when we go to unbuckle her from the carseat, her shoes will not be on her feet because she loves to take them off just as much as she loves to put them back on!

Giving "peace" at church
She will hold out her chubby little fingers for absolutely anyone to give her "peace"... and it's not just limited to the designated "peace" giving time at church either!  Her desire for "peace" handshakes extends well into Communion!

Singing the "night night" song
The "Night Night Song" was a song made up by Nonny years ago to get the kids to go to sleep.  It simply says "Night Night {insert name of family member}" three times, followed by the words "it's time to go to sleep!".  Lucy loves the song and sings it at all hours of the day, clapping for herself as she belts it out.  Her favorite people names to insert in to the song are 1) YaYa, 2) Noah, and third place usually goes to Daddy or her PaPa!

Eating at the Island; big girl style
After getting to sit up on the high bar chairs once, she protested her regular chair and never agreed to sit in it again... unless it was on top of the bar chairs.  She thinks she is big stuff and wants no part of being pushed aside in a baby chair!

Anything her siblings love
She picks up Barbie's and says "bobby" and calls Shopkins "chopins" as she attempts to play with these plastic wonders. She picks up the American Girl dolls and carries them around, usually by their hair!  And she attempts to join in on the dance routines that the girls love to "show"!

Cookies
What can I say?! She is my daughter!

Her biggest siblings
While I'm sure she has an affection for all of her siblings, she seems to have a special bond with Noah and Emily.  Noah is the one she loves to play with most.  Maybe it's their shared love of puppies or maybe it's because he likes to make her laugh as much as she likes to make him laugh.  And Emily is the one she goes to when she needs help or is sad.  It's actually incredibly sweet to witness. She is the first to have siblings old enough to care for her and it's a unique relationship that I've loved watching.

Making people laugh at her
This wonder of a baby (do I really have to say toddler?!) has a cute little personality and loves to make people laugh.  She's funny too.  And she knows it.  And it's charming beyond all charm.  I hate to think what this little lover of laughs will get away with in life... being charming and being the baby is probably going to work in her favor!  Her cheeky grin when she is laughing is just about the best thing ever!

And so time marches on.

Lucy, the "wonder-toddler" keeps on growing and keeps on delighting us with her very being.

I will continue to try to hold on to the moments, the days, the months, but I know all too well that before I know it, we will be singing Happy Birthday to our 2 year old "Wonderbaby" with a puppy themed birthday party :)

Re-lighting the Light {Emily's First Reconciliation}

I used to write in this space often.

I wrote about things near and dear to me.  And those things are mainly my family and my faith.

There is something cathartic about pounding out my thoughts to the rhythmic sound of the keys on this keyboard.  

But I rarely find the time to do that anymore.  

But something very special happened in my daughter's life last night and as I thought about joining all of my friends in posting a picture of it on Facebook, I hesitated.  And ultimately I didn't post anything about it.  

Why?  I don't really know.  But probably because I hate the misunderstanding that so many Protestant Christians have about Catholic Christians.  And probably because I knew that the many dear Christian friends of mine would look at those pictures and think things that I don't want them to think; make incorrect assumptions about my relationship with Jesus.  And probably because I didn't want those friends to think different of me and my faith because I believe in "it".  

"It" is the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  Better known as Confession to most people.  And it's one of the "big guns" for non-Catholics.  In fact, it's the only thing my very dear and very God-loving, Baptist Mother-in-Law has ever questioned me about in my over 17 years of marriage.  

Oh how I wish there was no separation among Christians and that the unity Christ intended for his Church was still intact!  But it's not.  It's broken and we now live in a Christian reality where there are many Christians who all believe very different things.  But none are as different to Protestants than the practices of the Catholics.  Especially Confession.

And so instead of posting those wonderful images on Facebook, I came here.  To pound out my thoughts.  Not because I think anyone will read them or that I can singlehandedly erase the stigma that so many have about Confession, but because I wanted to share the special and joy-filled experience of my daughter who made her very First Reconciliation on February 4, 2016.

The traditional definition of a sacrament is this:
"an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace." 

I like to explain it as the special way that Christ gave us to bridge the gap between the supernatural world and the natural world; between the invisibility of the divine world and the visibility of the mortal world...just as God Himself became Incarnate and took on a human body to bridge the gap between Heaven and Earth.  God became fully human, a visible reality.  But His humanness also pointed to a supernatural reality because he was also fully God.  The people of the time could see, feel, touch, and hear God Himself.  But only for a limited time.  

So in His graciousness, Christ gave us a way to continue to see, feel, touch and hear natural, human things that point us to Himself; to a supernatural reality... and that way is through the sacraments.  That's what sacraments are... visible signs that point us to a supernatural reality.  And they give us grace.  Lots of it!

In Baptism, the water we physically feel and know to be a cleansing agent points us to the supernatural reality that we are actually being spiritually cleansed.

In the Eucharist, the bread that we hold in our hands and taste in our mouths points us to the supernatural reality that Christ is actually nourishing and sustaining us with his own Body.

And in Reconciliation, we audibly hear the words of forgiveness that point us to the supernatural reality that it is Jesus himself who is tenderly forgiving us for all that we have confessed.

And that is exactly what happened last night... In a candlelit church sanctuary, with beautiful music playing in the background, my sweet Emily Kate had an encounter with Jesus when she humbly confessed aloud the things she has done that have been offensive to God.  And Jesus, through the voice of the priest, assured her of His love and forgiveness and gave her His grace to press on with determination to do better.

Was she scared?  No!  Well, maybe a little nervous.
Was she upset that she had to say it out loud? No!
Was she sad about it?  Absolutely Not!

It was the exact opposite.

She talked about it for weeks... giddy and excited.  
The morning of February 4th, she awoke with a huge smile and announced "Today is my First Reconciliation!"

She grinned the whole night... 
as she walked towards receiving the Sacrament and after she exited the door; 
cleansed, forgiven, and perfectly reconciled with Jesus, her savior.

At the beginning of the ceremony, there were 6 candles shining brightly at the altar.  Father Dan explained how the light of Christ shines so brightly within us when we are Baptized.  But when we use our free will to make the choice to turn away from God (through sin), that light gets a little dimmer.  One by one, those 6 candles were extinguished as the children read examples of sinful choices that children often make.  The light in the room grew dimmer.

But then something special happened.  One by one, the children received their First Reconciliation and as Father Dan explained, the light of Christ was re-lit inside their hearts and was burning brightly again!  And so they each carried a small candle to the altar; representing the light that had been re-lit inside their hearts.  

At the end of the night, the altar shone more brightly than it did when we first arrived.  The shining candle lights symbolized the amazing grace of Jesus' forgiveness that was poured out upon those 2nd grade children and ignited a new flame within their hearts.  And the light wasn't just coming from the candles... it was coming from the children too!  

I think it's so unfortunate that so many people have such a negative view of this special sacrament.  Most of that negativity is based on misunderstanding or incorrect assumptions.  But these 2nd graders... they got it.  And the result was huge smiles and a feeling that can only be explained by someone who has experienced that kind of grace poured out on them.

Was it hard for my Emily to say the things she did out loud? 

Probably.

But just like when we hurt a friend and we feel sorry that we did so, we still need to TELL them we are sorry.  They can't just know it.  They need to hear it.  

Is it hard to do?  Of course!  But we need to SAY it to our friend; verbally acknowledge our wrongdoing and ask for their forgiveness. And once we say it, we feel the weight of the hurt lifted and we know that we are truly reconciled in our relationship with that friend.

Our friend, Jesus, is no different!  Is it hard to say aloud that we are sorry for the things we have done?  Of course.  But there is something special about the humility that is required to verbally express our faults. In that humility, Jesus transforms us with his love, his forgiveness and his grace.  And we feel physically lighter. 

Could Emily have just told God her sins directly?

Of course she could have!  And she can!

But will she?  Will I?  Will you?

One of the best parts about the sacrament is that in it, Jesus gave us a reason to humbly examine our conscience in an effort to truly understand where we have been offensive to God in our lives.  To take a deep, critical look at our behavior, our thoughts, and our motives and ask ourselves if they are in accordance with God's commands.   

Can you do this without the sacrament?  

Absolutely, but do you?  Will you?  

How often does a person use the Ten Commandments or the Lord's prayer or the Beatitudes to do a thorough examination of themselves to discern where they are being sinful?  I know I only do it as I prepare for Reconciliation!  And I think Jesus knew this about our human nature.  He knew that an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude toward sin would be harmful to us and so He gave us a little nudge to evaluate ourselves through this sacrament.  

And the interesting thing is.... the more I go to Reconciliation and examine my own conscience, the more I am aware of my daily tendencies towards sin and the more often I confess those things directly to God as they happen (hello patience and complaining!).  It's a beautiful thing... the sacrament not only points me to the supernatural forgiveness of Christ; it trains my own mind to be more aware of my need to ask Jesus for his forgiveness and His grace in my day-to-day struggles.  It transforms me and my relationship with Christ; not just in the moment of Reconciliation; but daily.

And let's be clear about one very important thing...

It is Jesus who forgives!  

He simply uses the priest in the sacrament to verbally give us His words so that we can hear them; bridging the gap between Heaven and Earth once again.  It's a beautiful thing, really.  Christ knows and understands my humanness and because of that humanness, He gives me a verbal response that my human ears can hear, but my mind and heart know comes from Him.  

A natural sign pointing to a supernatural reality.  
A sacrament.  
An outward sign.  
Instituted by Christ.  
To give grace.

Ah grace! I saved the best for last.

The sacrament gives you grace.  Grace to do better.  Grace to do the hard things that are often required to live a life in accordance with Christ and his teachings.  A big heaping dose of grace - God's own help - to do the things that I cannot do on my own... that's what I get every time I go to Him in the sacrament of Reconciliation.  Like the Prodigal Son, I go to verbally admit my wrongdoing, but in His mercy, like the Prodigal Son's Father, Jesus runs to embrace me and pours out His grace on me.  He relights the fire within my heart.  And I shine brighter than I did before.

Just like my Emily Kate did!

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another..."

James 5:16

"If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any; they have been retained."

John 20:23

*****

Note:  While I could have written this post ƒrom an apologetic standpoint, citing scriptural support for the sacrament, I chose to write from a more human and personal standpoint.  Therefore, if you read this post and disagree with the practice of Reconciliation, I would respectfully ask you to please refrain from commenting with the intent to enlighten me (trust me, I've done my due diligence!).  While I could, I choose not to enter into a debate on the subject.  I simply wanted to share mine and my Emily's human experience with the specialness of this kind of encounter with Christ. 

Dear Noah {TEN}

 I started writing this on the night before you turned 10.  And I finished it nearly 9 months later.  Because that's the way things go when you are the firstborn of five kids.  You just have to wait.  A lot.  Which is a sacrifice you know well.  But the length of time that it took me to write these words doesn't make them any less true... or necessary!  I love you buddy... at any age!

Dear Noah,

How is it possible that you are Ten?

A full decade.
Two hands full of fingers.
DOUBLE DIGITS.
Over half of your life at home; as a child.

Time moves swiftly and sometimes in my mind, I still think of you as being a small boy.  I have very vivid memories of you as a toddler and little boy.  The best and most vivid memories of all the kids.  After all, you were my one and only for nearly three years!  And we sure did enjoy that special one-on-one time; you and me.  It was so fun.  So special.  And that very fact makes you a little bit extra special.  Because you are my first.  And you always will be.

As you grow though, being the first comes with its own set of challenges.  I know you are feeling these challenges because Eight and Nine have been some tough years for the two of us.  You find yourself in the lonely role of being the oldest to four younger sisters.  And because of that very fact, it makes you feel a little less special.  Like I don't have as much time for you.  

And I guess in some ways, it's true.  We don't spend the same one-on-one time as we used to.  Not because I don't want to.  Just because I am outnumbered now.  Very outnumbered.  But trust me, I miss those times.  I want more of those times.  I need them as much as you do.

You also feel the brunt of the discipline because as the oldest, it feels as though we expect more from you. And I guess we do.  Not because we love you less though.  Just because we are doing our very best to teach you right from wrong and how to make good decisions and how to grow into a responsible young man.  It'a a big job we have as parents and because you are the first, we don't really know how best to do it.  We mess up. A lot.  And we don't always model the kind of behavior we expect from you.  We are a work-in-progress too.  But the reality of all of this is that we love you so much that we want the very best for you...and sometimes that means that we are "hard on you".  

But as you grow and we learn to navigate the sometimes rocky waters of these changes, here's what I want you to know, Noah.  What I hope and pray you will know.  What I need you to know.

You will always, always, be special.  
When you don't see the special-ness in you, it breaks my heart.
I wish you could see your greatness.
Your special-ness.  
I wish you could see all the reasons we love you so very much.

But now you are TEN... and 10 is an age where the opinions of your peers often carry more weight than those of me and your dad.  Or your grandparents.  Or of the people who care for and love you most.  

You worry now.  About what other people think of you.  Or don't think of you.  About whether braces will make you "weird" or if you will ever grow taller or if kids like you even though you aren't as good at soccer as some of the other kids.  You worry you aren't enough.  Aren't special enough.

But please hear me, son. 

You are.

You are special.  
Not just because you have blue eyes and blonde hair and are shorter than you would like and have a God given talent for golf.  

But because you are ours.  
Special because you were created for us.  
And us for you.  

You are special because you are made by God to be the one and only Noah Robert.  God Himself breathed His very own life into you and has a plan and a purpose for your life.  And that very fact makes you beyond special.

And YOU, dear Noah, are the one and only person who ever could have made me a mother and your dad a father.  

You are special, son.

And you are worth it.

You are worth every ounce of love that your dad and me have to give.
You are worth the arguments and tears and power struggles and the "its not fair's". 
You are worth the the effort it takes us to teach you and mold you and inspire you to grow up to be a kind and loving man.
You are worth the battles that Eight and Nine introduced to our lives.  And the ones that are sure to come with Ten and beyond.

You are worth it all!

And even though I sometimes miss the easier days when you were a toddler and it was just the two of us, I believe in my heart of hearts that God has great things planned for you and that the best of your days are yet to come.  

And you dad and me... well, we get to watch it all happen!  

Happy Double Digit Birthday, Special, one-of-a-kind, Firstborn Child of ours!

We love you so very, very much!

Celebrating the Little Things {Spring 2015}

Little Things

{Spring 2015 Edition}

Being outside, celebrating birthdays and Baptism days, golf course outings, learning new things, dance performances, enjoying each other and the beautiful outdoor temperatures and scenery that makes Spring such a lovely time of the year!

{Her best work to date}

{Mr. SMARTy Pants!}

{What makes you think you are big enough to do this?!}

{"HAPPY all the time"...that's the truth!}

{Baby booty}

{How big is Lucy?!}

{Straw sucking}

{The front ones start to fall...}

{Let them be little...that's what I tell myself when they end up in my bed every night! }

{We believe in unicorns... and a cure for Liz!}

{Double fistin' the watermelon}

{Another one bites the dust!}

{Tiny friends}

{Oops...she did it again! Diaper cream debacle, take 2}

{Back to the course}

{How can this be?!  Kindergarten screening}

{Graceful Tiny Dancer}

{She makes everything in preschool "for Abby"}

{A double celebration}

{Abby's Baptism Day & Molly's 5th Birthday}

{Chub in the Tub}

{Chubby Feet....and everything else!}

{Success!}

{Molly's Born Again Celebration}

{Fairy Tea with these lovely ladies}

{She loves to eat!}

{Tournament play begins...}

{Spring in Kansas}

{Tiny Dancers Perform}

{A ticket to Pinehurst, NC!}