We are officially two full weeks into the school year and I'm already exhausted.
Exhausted by the routine.
Exhausted with the busyness and schedule.
Exhausted with the culture I live in.
Exhausted with trying to live by my conscience and resist the push.
The push to over schedule kids.
The push to send kids to school all day... even in Kindergarten.
The push to teach kids to read early.
The push to over-excel in everything.
The push to give kids iphones and ipads and all kinds of techy nonsense.
The push to allow kids to listen to inappropriate music; because it's popular and "catchy".
The push to dress kids in clothes that are far beyond their age.
The push to have kids grow up too quickly.
I sometimes feel like an alien; living in a world where the things I value seem to have no place.
Where is the push to let kids be kids?
The push to encourage games of hide and seek and dress-up during the after school hours?
The push to keep kids protected from media and influences that are not age appropriate?
The push to have family meals together?
The push to slow down and not run yourself ragged every evening driving from activity to activity?
The push to teach kids that treating people kindly on the sports field is more important than whether or not a teammate makes a good play.
The push to enforce boundaries and limits and protect kids' hearts and minds?
The push to teach kids kindness over accelerated reading?
The push to dress kids like kids; not like teenagers?
The push to keep kids kids for as long as it is developmentally appropriate?
The push to just be.
I feel pushed and pulled and judged and conflicted and just downright exhausted.
Having school aged children is different from having small children still at home.
Both are exhausting in different ways.
But in these first few days of school, I'm finding that the push is more exhausting than unclogging toilets and cleaning up spilled shampoo. It's more frustrating than repeatedly answering the same question 50 times or picking up toys for the millionth time. It's more concerning than sibling spats or a toddler's inability to share.
The push is something that comes with raising school aged kids in today's uber-competitive, over-scheduled, media-obsessed world. It seems to be a societal norm. One that I'm not comfortable or okay with.
And I'm exhausted with trying to resist the push and pull back instead.
But as I look at my over-scheduled calendar, I realize that I, too, have been pushed to conform, to participate, to join in the culture of pushing kids too hard and allowing too much, too early.
I have no answers.
I'm just exhausted and wish our culture would focus on pushing kids in different ways...
pushing towards God,
pushing towards family time,
pushing towards kindness and compassion for others,
pushing towards contentment,
pushing towards playing for fun rather than playing to win,
pushing towards pride in doing your best, even if it isn't the best in the class,
pushing towards modesty,
pushing towards moderation and limitations,
pushing kids to just be kids.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
He Was Happy and Confident
I often worry about my Noah.
He is self-consious. A worrier like me.
His disposition is serious, cautious and at times, unhappy.
As a little boy, he was happy all the time.
Delightful. Full of wonder and excitement. Carefree.
And he smiled a lot. It was a genuine "I'm happy" kind of smile.
And I miss it.
A few years ago, I noticed a change in his disposition. His happy-go-lucky attitude and constant excitement were gone.
Maybe he just grew up and his God-given temperament developed.
Or maybe something happened that changed him. I still believe he became self-conscious in the beginning days of 1st grade when he was teased about his height.
Whatever the case, he is often not a happy-go-lucky kind of kid anymore. He is sensitive and reserved and self conscious. His feelings are easily hurt and his spirit is easily wounded. And among other things, he lacks confidence in his athletic abilities.
I miss that smile.
The one that transmits JOY. And pride. And confidence.
One of the things that shatters my heart is when I see him having to be "it" at school time after time after time during recess. He runs and runs and runs his little heart out, but his legs are half the size of some of his peers and they simply can't keep up with the longer strides of his classmates. He describes it in a matter of fact way: "I am the slowest one." He can't catch anyone and so he is always "it."
He loves sports though. Just like his Daddy. He has been going to KU games with his Daddy since before he was 2 years old. He goes to as many games as possible, watches sporting events on TV, memorizes teams and scores, knows the rules and lingo, and in truth, has some natural athletic ability.
He can swing a bat and make contact nearly every time.
He has a good arm and his football gets good spin.
He has good form when he shoots the basketball.
Tennis is easy for him.
And he can swing a golf club like a pro.
He has a BIG heart for sports.
But he is physically small and not very strong, thanks to the low muscle tone he was born with.
I find myself feeling so stressed out during his Basketball games; praying that he will feel good about himself when the game is over. He can shoot the ball. Well. But his short little body just doesn't get very many opportunities to shoot. And so when he does, I just pray it goes in so he will be happy and feel confident about making a basket.
My mama heart broke repeatedly last year during basketball season when Noah would routinely tell me that the opposing players were "making fun of me because I am so short." Or when I would tell him "great game, bud" and his disappointed face would respond by saying, "I didn't even get to touch the ball." Or when I complimented a specific play and he frustratingly responded by noting that "I didn't make any baskets."
He recognizes his challenge in basketball, even though he still plays his BIG heart out!
But golf is different.
Golf is his thing.
He has been playing 18 holes with his Daddy since he was 2 years old.
And he has been waiting for the opportunity to play Junior Golf since he was old enough to know what it was.
8 years he has waited to be old enough. Talking about it each summer; hoping that that summer would the the one that he was old enough to play.
And this summer, it was.
Just like with other sports, when he stepped onto the course, he was the smallest one out there. Older kids towered over him; making it seem that he was out of his league again.
But not this time.
The golf course is the place where he can be smaller than everyone else and still excel.
It doesn't matter that he is short when he can whack the ball straighter and farther than kids 3 years older than him.
And on that course, with those bigger kids, he is happy and confident.
He can play and he feels it. He knows it.
It is his thing.
And so this summer, he lived on the golf course. Not because he wanted to beat anyone; just because he simply loves the game.
At the end of the summer came the much anticipated Junior Golf Championship. His first "real" tournament. Where score was kept and a leader board shown.
It's been a long time since I've seen Noah so excited about something. He was going to play against all of the other kids in the 5 hole league. He and his Daddy washed his clubs the night before which is a ritual his dad performs before every tournament. His daddy gifted him with new balls. He laid out his "real golf clothes".
And he had a goal: Be on the leader board.
My stomach ached the entire morning in hopeful anticipation of the day. I prayed that he would not be disappointed with his performance. That he would be happy. Confident. And proud at the end of the long-awaited day.
When he came home, I was in the basement. I heard a rush of footsteps upstairs and knew he was looking for me. And then I heard him coming down the stairs. As I walked toward the staircase, I saw him coming towards me and he had that smile again.
The one that radiated joy and pride and happiness and all things good.
The one I have missed and have rarely seen in the recent years.
I nearly cried at the sight.
I don't have an actual picture of that moment, but the image will imprinted in my mind forever.
In that moment, looking at me, he was happy and confident.
He beamed as he said...
"I got 3rd place!"
3rd place in a league where he was not only the smallest, but also the youngest.
Of course, I was proud of his accomplishment. His skill. His ability to play a sport well.
All those things made me happy.
But more than anything, my heart rejoiced because finally, he was happy and confident.
And I got to see that smile again.
Seeing that smile... the one that radiated confidence... made up for all the anxiety I have felt during basketball games and the aching heart I have felt when I watch a game of tag at recess and the tears I've cried as I try to assure him that God gives everyone different talents.
I am so grateful that God gave him a talent that he can work with in spite of his size.
I pray it continues... his love for the game and most of all, the confidence and joy that comes from playing it.
He is self-consious. A worrier like me.
His disposition is serious, cautious and at times, unhappy.
As a little boy, he was happy all the time.
Delightful. Full of wonder and excitement. Carefree.
And he smiled a lot. It was a genuine "I'm happy" kind of smile.
 |
| {Getting ready for his first ever Basketball Game} |
A few years ago, I noticed a change in his disposition. His happy-go-lucky attitude and constant excitement were gone.
Maybe he just grew up and his God-given temperament developed.
Or maybe something happened that changed him. I still believe he became self-conscious in the beginning days of 1st grade when he was teased about his height.
 |
| {He received the "Dynamite" Award this year in Tball... because "big things come in small packages"} |
Whatever the case, he is often not a happy-go-lucky kind of kid anymore. He is sensitive and reserved and self conscious. His feelings are easily hurt and his spirit is easily wounded. And among other things, he lacks confidence in his athletic abilities.
I miss that smile.
The one that transmits JOY. And pride. And confidence.
 |
| {End of first Basketball season} |
He loves sports though. Just like his Daddy. He has been going to KU games with his Daddy since before he was 2 years old. He goes to as many games as possible, watches sporting events on TV, memorizes teams and scores, knows the rules and lingo, and in truth, has some natural athletic ability.
He can swing a bat and make contact nearly every time.
He has a good arm and his football gets good spin.
He has good form when he shoots the basketball.
Tennis is easy for him.
And he can swing a golf club like a pro.
He has a BIG heart for sports.
But he is physically small and not very strong, thanks to the low muscle tone he was born with.
I find myself feeling so stressed out during his Basketball games; praying that he will feel good about himself when the game is over. He can shoot the ball. Well. But his short little body just doesn't get very many opportunities to shoot. And so when he does, I just pray it goes in so he will be happy and feel confident about making a basket.
My mama heart broke repeatedly last year during basketball season when Noah would routinely tell me that the opposing players were "making fun of me because I am so short." Or when I would tell him "great game, bud" and his disappointed face would respond by saying, "I didn't even get to touch the ball." Or when I complimented a specific play and he frustratingly responded by noting that "I didn't make any baskets."
He recognizes his challenge in basketball, even though he still plays his BIG heart out!
But golf is different.
Golf is his thing.
He has been playing 18 holes with his Daddy since he was 2 years old.
8 years he has waited to be old enough. Talking about it each summer; hoping that that summer would the the one that he was old enough to play.
And this summer, it was.
Just like with other sports, when he stepped onto the course, he was the smallest one out there. Older kids towered over him; making it seem that he was out of his league again.
 |
| {1st day of junior golf lessons} |
But not this time.
The golf course is the place where he can be smaller than everyone else and still excel.
It doesn't matter that he is short when he can whack the ball straighter and farther than kids 3 years older than him.
And on that course, with those bigger kids, he is happy and confident.
He can play and he feels it. He knows it.
It is his thing.
And so this summer, he lived on the golf course. Not because he wanted to beat anyone; just because he simply loves the game.
At the end of the summer came the much anticipated Junior Golf Championship. His first "real" tournament. Where score was kept and a leader board shown.
It's been a long time since I've seen Noah so excited about something. He was going to play against all of the other kids in the 5 hole league. He and his Daddy washed his clubs the night before which is a ritual his dad performs before every tournament. His daddy gifted him with new balls. He laid out his "real golf clothes".
And he had a goal: Be on the leader board.
 |
| {Tournament Day... freshly washed clubs, new balls, and his Tiger Woods hat} |
My stomach ached the entire morning in hopeful anticipation of the day. I prayed that he would not be disappointed with his performance. That he would be happy. Confident. And proud at the end of the long-awaited day.
When he came home, I was in the basement. I heard a rush of footsteps upstairs and knew he was looking for me. And then I heard him coming down the stairs. As I walked toward the staircase, I saw him coming towards me and he had that smile again.
The one that radiated joy and pride and happiness and all things good.
The one I have missed and have rarely seen in the recent years.
I nearly cried at the sight.
I don't have an actual picture of that moment, but the image will imprinted in my mind forever.
In that moment, looking at me, he was happy and confident.
He beamed as he said...
"I got 3rd place!"
 |
| {The sports award is is most proud of} |
3rd place in a league where he was not only the smallest, but also the youngest.
Of course, I was proud of his accomplishment. His skill. His ability to play a sport well.
All those things made me happy.
But more than anything, my heart rejoiced because finally, he was happy and confident.
And I got to see that smile again.
Seeing that smile... the one that radiated confidence... made up for all the anxiety I have felt during basketball games and the aching heart I have felt when I watch a game of tag at recess and the tears I've cried as I try to assure him that God gives everyone different talents.
I am so grateful that God gave him a talent that he can work with in spite of his size.
I pray it continues... his love for the game and most of all, the confidence and joy that comes from playing it.
Monday, August 19, 2013
16 Things That Made It OK {first day of kindergarten}
 |
| emily kate 1st day of kindergarten 8.16.13 ***** |
1. We met her teacher the night before school started. She had so many fun things for them... a treasure hunt to find things in the classroom and a fun little "goody bag" to take home on the night before Kindergarten. When we got home, Emily said: "My teacher is really HAPPY!" That's exactly how I picture a Kindergarten teacher... happy! And to know that Emily thinks that about her new teacher makes me happy too!
2. When we got home from the Open House, I read the "Meet Your Teacher" note she had sent home with us. The last part...it was like a salve for my open heart. "I will be a partner with you in helping form them to live their life as a disciple of Jesus..." So thankful for a teacher who believes this and is willing to put it in print!
3. I occupied my mind the night before by doing something I like to do... decorate! I continued the tradition of a special Back to School breakfast, but added some special "extras" because it was Emily's 1st day of Kindergarten, after all!
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| {folders for placemats and a special gift of new pencils for each "student"} |
 |
| {even though molly doesn't start until next week, we included her too!} |
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| {rulers & notebook paper for place cards & a sunflower for added cheer} |
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| {happy girl} |
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| {new pencils and a mama note for each one} |
 |
{continued tradition: pancakes shaped in the grade level, eggs, bacon & fruit} |
4. I put a little of myself inside their lunch boxes... love notes, a knock-knock joke (for Noah) and an apple-themed lunch box. There may or may not have also been a small bottle of hand sanitizer in their lunch too :) Side note: When the lunch box came home, there were a few bites out of the apple cookie and a few missing M&M's... that was ALL! She had a 2nd go-round once she got home!
6. My mom came over so that she could stay with the littles and Vance and I could deliver her to her room unencumbered. Thank you mom!
7. She wasn't sad for me to leave her there. ALL smiles (with a bit of a nervous "finger in the mouth)!
8. Even though I knew they wouldn't see a lot of each other during the day, knowing that her big brother was in the same building (and that he promised to SMILE at her when he saw her!) made me feel better.
9. Noah's 1st grade teacher, who has also become a friend, sent me this text and picture mid morning. She snapped it on her phone during recess. Not to mention, she send a little encouragement to me that morning too! I have already requested a "reserved spot" for her 1st grade class :)
10. I have great friends who knew this day was hard for me. They asked me to go on a walk in the morning and then arranged another lunch play date for the little ones who were left behind.
11. These two surprised me. While I was getting ready, they disappeared into my closet and emerged wearing my shoes; a little reminder to me that they, too, will form a special bond and dress up days will continue in my house. It's just a changing sibling combination :)
12. She was all smiles when I went to pick her up at the end of the {very long} day!
13. As soon as Molly woke from her nap, she ran to her room and this is what I saw.... another reminder to me that they will still have their special time together and will maintain their tight sister bond... which is the thing I worried most about missing with her being gone all day.
14. Her teacher made this for them to bring home on the first day. I cried when I read it, but am so grateful for a teacher who cares enough about "little things".. like making their handprint on the first day and sending it home for the overly sentimental mama's like me!
And most importantly...
And prayers of my own. I fought having her go all day as hard as a parent could fight, but in the end, my only choice was to send her to this full day program. I don't like it. It's not what I wanted. I felt I was treated disrespectfully by some school officials. I was bitter. But I had to come to terms with it and let.it.go.
My only choice was to pray about it and ask God to either give me peace or show me a different route. For weeks, that's what I've done. Prayed for peace. In the end, I think I received my answer. I'm still not happy about it, but I'm willing to accept it and move forward.
On the night before school, I knelt during Mass and asked God to just make it "ok" on the first day. And I think that all of these little things were His response. They made it OK. They gave me some of the peace that I have been in search of for months. And despite my disappointment, the only thing I saw when I walked my baby girl into school that first morning were SMILES... smiles from the teachers, smiles from the administrators, smiles on the faces of the other kids, and most importantly, BIG smiles from my BIG Kindergartener!
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| {barely able to hold the weight} |
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| {special necklace for the 1st day} |
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| {"i couldn't have picked a better teacher" gift of fresh berries} |
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| {walking into the classroom for the 1st time} |
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