Dear Noah {TEN}

 I started writing this on the night before you turned 10.  And I finished it nearly 9 months later.  Because that's the way things go when you are the firstborn of five kids.  You just have to wait.  A lot.  Which is a sacrifice you know well.  But the length of time that it took me to write these words doesn't make them any less true... or necessary!  I love you buddy... at any age!

Dear Noah,

How is it possible that you are Ten?

A full decade.
Two hands full of fingers.
DOUBLE DIGITS.
Over half of your life at home; as a child.

Time moves swiftly and sometimes in my mind, I still think of you as being a small boy.  I have very vivid memories of you as a toddler and little boy.  The best and most vivid memories of all the kids.  After all, you were my one and only for nearly three years!  And we sure did enjoy that special one-on-one time; you and me.  It was so fun.  So special.  And that very fact makes you a little bit extra special.  Because you are my first.  And you always will be.

As you grow though, being the first comes with its own set of challenges.  I know you are feeling these challenges because Eight and Nine have been some tough years for the two of us.  You find yourself in the lonely role of being the oldest to four younger sisters.  And because of that very fact, it makes you feel a little less special.  Like I don't have as much time for you.  

And I guess in some ways, it's true.  We don't spend the same one-on-one time as we used to.  Not because I don't want to.  Just because I am outnumbered now.  Very outnumbered.  But trust me, I miss those times.  I want more of those times.  I need them as much as you do.

You also feel the brunt of the discipline because as the oldest, it feels as though we expect more from you. And I guess we do.  Not because we love you less though.  Just because we are doing our very best to teach you right from wrong and how to make good decisions and how to grow into a responsible young man.  It'a a big job we have as parents and because you are the first, we don't really know how best to do it.  We mess up. A lot.  And we don't always model the kind of behavior we expect from you.  We are a work-in-progress too.  But the reality of all of this is that we love you so much that we want the very best for you...and sometimes that means that we are "hard on you".  

But as you grow and we learn to navigate the sometimes rocky waters of these changes, here's what I want you to know, Noah.  What I hope and pray you will know.  What I need you to know.

You will always, always, be special.  
When you don't see the special-ness in you, it breaks my heart.
I wish you could see your greatness.
Your special-ness.  
I wish you could see all the reasons we love you so very much.

But now you are TEN... and 10 is an age where the opinions of your peers often carry more weight than those of me and your dad.  Or your grandparents.  Or of the people who care for and love you most.  

You worry now.  About what other people think of you.  Or don't think of you.  About whether braces will make you "weird" or if you will ever grow taller or if kids like you even though you aren't as good at soccer as some of the other kids.  You worry you aren't enough.  Aren't special enough.

But please hear me, son. 

You are.

You are special.  
Not just because you have blue eyes and blonde hair and are shorter than you would like and have a God given talent for golf.  

But because you are ours.  
Special because you were created for us.  
And us for you.  

You are special because you are made by God to be the one and only Noah Robert.  God Himself breathed His very own life into you and has a plan and a purpose for your life.  And that very fact makes you beyond special.

And YOU, dear Noah, are the one and only person who ever could have made me a mother and your dad a father.  

You are special, son.

And you are worth it.

You are worth every ounce of love that your dad and me have to give.
You are worth the arguments and tears and power struggles and the "its not fair's". 
You are worth the the effort it takes us to teach you and mold you and inspire you to grow up to be a kind and loving man.
You are worth the battles that Eight and Nine introduced to our lives.  And the ones that are sure to come with Ten and beyond.

You are worth it all!

And even though I sometimes miss the easier days when you were a toddler and it was just the two of us, I believe in my heart of hearts that God has great things planned for you and that the best of your days are yet to come.  

And you dad and me... well, we get to watch it all happen!  

Happy Double Digit Birthday, Special, one-of-a-kind, Firstborn Child of ours!

We love you so very, very much!

that was THEN, this is NOW

We have taken the kids to a Pumpkin Patch every year since I can remember.  It's a tradition and it's something I look forward to every October.  I eagerly pick a date for the event and it is always one of the first things to be written in my October calendar.

And so it was this year.

But I couldn't help but notice a stark contrast to the days of Pumpkin Patches past.  As we were exiting the Patch with kids covered from head to toe in dirt and face paint and sweat, I saw a family perched atop a wooden chair taking a family photo.  They were all wearing matching orange shirts and were taking a picture among the pretty perfectly placed pumpkin props.  I pointed it out to Vance and chuckled to myself as I thought our past Pumpkin Patch trips.  I recognized my former self in that family.  I couldn't help but think...

that was THEN...

I used to make sure that every child had a "pumpkin-themed" shirt to wear; preferably monogrammed or personalized and probably matching.  

Festive hats and hair bows were worn.

I made sure to take family pictures.  LOTS of them!

I documented every hay bale climb, every slide, every oversized tricycle ride, every pumpkin sling, and of course, every step as we picked out the perfect pumpkin.

And I used a real camera to do so!

 

That was THEN.  

3 kids.

And NOW...

2 kids later.

Well, this is NOW...

Not a single article of orange clothing.  Not a matching combo or pumpkin shirt in sight.  And the only "monograms" I see are those that bear the names of sports teams (gasp!) and clothing stores.

In sharp contrast to the Pumpkin Patch days of old, the kids dressed themselves.  Emily was in charge of fixing her own hair and her little sisters hair too!  

I let the girls transform their faces with bright sparkly paint the minute we walked in the place.

This is the only other "family picture" I took.  Based on the images, Lucy ceases to exist and Vance and I are nowhere to be found.

There is no moment by moment documenting of activities.  

And the pictures I did take are from my phone.

And while we did SIT in the pumpkin patch for this picture, we didn't even get ANY pumpkins out of the patch!  There was no way everyone could carry these large pumpkins back to the car by themselves.  So we just bought mini pie pumpkins at the store on the way out of the patch!

 There is no lesson learned or great moral to share from this Pumpkin Patches of Past post.  When I saw that "matching family" posing for the "picture perfect Pumpkin Patch picture", I saw the "old me".  And it made me realize how much I have changed over the past 3 years.  Not by my choice.  But by necessity.  And by God's grace.  

And while there are things about the "old me" that I miss (like her ability to get so much done), I know that the reality of what I see in these images is God working in me through my kids...giving me opportunities to LET GO of things that don't matter in life.  Like monogrammed pumpkin shirts.  Everyday, I'm working to LET GO of my idea of perfection.  Of my idea of how memories are made.  Of my idea of what a "good mom" does.  Of my idea that I can control life.  And I see it in these images... lots of me letting go of things that I used to value.  

And it's a good thing.  

I liked the THEN.  It was really cute.

But I like the NOW even more.  It doesn't look better than the THEN...

but it feels better!  

Annual Love Day Celebrations {2013}

Historically, Valentine's Day has not been a favorite holiday of mine.  When I was living in the sorority house in college, Valentine's Day reminded me of nothing more than the fact that I was boyfriend-less!  I cringed every time I walked past the front desk overflowing with flowers from the boyfriends of my friends!  And I wished so badly that someone would want to send me flowers on Valentine's Day.

My senior year, Vance and I met.  

Finally... I had a boyfriend for Valentine's Day!  That year, I searched the sea of flowers on the sorority front desk anxiously looking for the one marked with my name.  But they weren't there.  I put aside my disappointments and focused my excitement on going out to dinner that Valentine's evening.  

When I called to confirm the dinner details with my new (and obviously clueless) boyfriend, what followed was a "one liner" that has been the butt of many jokes ever since!  As I excitedly asked him what time he wanted to leave for dinner, he responded with complete confusion saying something that led me to believe he had Alzheimer's because he had absolutely no recollection of asking me out on a "dinner date" for Valentine's Day.  When I reminded him of this obvious fact, he responded by telling me that there was a KU game that evening.  Then it was my turn to be confused because obviously, who cares if there is a KU game?!  It's our first Valentine's Day as a couple which obviously takes priority, right?!  And then came the "matter-of-fact" one liner that has haunted him ever since...

"For the record, if I ever ask you to do something on a night that KU is playing, just disregard it."

So that year, 1996, on our first Valentines Day as a couple, Vance went to the KU game.  I waited at home.  And we went out to dinner late that evening.  I wasn't happy about it.  And he knew it!  

And that began the many years of him trying to learn how not to screw up future Valentine's Days.  There were lots of bumps in the road, but 17 years later, he is better at remembering me on Valentine's Day than I am him. 

And I always get flowers :)

There are a few things to be taken from that first Valentine's Day...
1.  Vance is a die hard KU fan and always will be. 
2.  "Love" isn't always roses :)

I feel kind of silly about my immature need for recognition back in 1996.  Obviously, Vance and I have grown up and now know that we don't need a holiday to tell each other how we love them.  And so I truly care very little about myself on Valentine's Day anymore.  

But I do like the idea of using Valentine's Day as a day to show my entire family my love for them in a way that is different from every other day of the year.  And so several years ago, I began a tradition of making a "Love Dinner" for the family.  And this year marked it's third installment.

Other than the "Love Dinner", we also carried on with the normal (and kid-required) Valentine celebrations...

We made Valentines for school friends and a few other friends.  

Noah chose chocolate candy river rocks to take to his school classmates.  They were a hit as no one believed him that they could be eaten!

And he insisted on personalizing them... in cursive!  He is mother's son... the only child in his class to personalize his Valentines :)

Emily chose cute writing pads and pencils to take to her school classmates.  

She cut out the hearts all by herself!  And she, too, wanted to personalize hers.  Without a class list, I was pretty impressed that she independently remembered the names of all of her classmates! 

And 3 batches of brownies went to school teachers, principals and secretaries (as well as my stomach!).

Noah had a great time at his school party playing "Minute to Win It" Valentine games.

And Emily dressed in pink and red with a heart on her shirt (again!) for her school party.

And then it was time for the Annual "Fancy" Love Dinner.  I say "fancy" because that is what the kids think it is.  I almost didn't do it this year.  Emily had her last Basketball game of the season (and perhaps ever).  And there was no way I could make dinner and attend her game that evening.  So I asked her what she wanted me to do.  Without hesitation, she responded that I could get the dinner ready while she played her game and it could be a surprise when they got home!  I found this to be endearing because it showed me how much she enjoys the "Labor of Love"!

And so I commenced with the tradition.

The table was set with special linens and dishes.

Place cards were used.

Flowers adorned the heart shaped table runner.

Lights were dimmed and candles were lit.

Dinner was made.

{ON THE MENU}

Crispy Onion Oven Baked Chicken

Mashed Potatoes

Noodles

Fresh Fruit Salad

Desserts were purchased :) 

Sparkling cider was poured.

A love toast was made.

And in tradition, we went around the table and shared something that we loved about each member of our family...

{NOAH LOVES}
...that Daddy takes him to KU games and watches games on TV with him
...that Emily helps him when he needs help
...that Molly thinks he is cool and wants to play with him
...that Abby smiles all the time and waves at people
...that I am the "best room mom" and drive to all of his field trips

{EMILY LOVES}
...that Daddy is nice
...that Noah is sweet and that he likes her
...that Molly is her friend
...that Abby is happy
...that I am the "best mommy in the whole wide world"

{MOLLY LOVES}
...that Noah plays
...that Daddy plays running
...that Emily plays airplane
...that Abby wants to go on the airplane
...that I play airplane with her and Emily

{DADDY LOVES}
...that Noah loves to play golf
...that Emily is a girly girl and loves to be fancy
...that Molly is his buddy calls out for him in the middle of the night (love/hate)
...that Abby smiles when he looks at her
...that I try to make special things for the family all the time

{MOMMY LOVES}
...that Noah is kind to all his friends and polite to adults
...that Emily is such a nice sharer and makes up cute make believe ideas for her and Molly
...that Molly likes to go places with me
...that Abby is a happy baby again
...that Daddy works so hard so that I can stay home with the little loves!


And last, but certainly not least, the kids enjoyed their Valentine surprises from us!

{KU Checkers, Pjs, and Mail Kit}

{Heart Pj's, Olivia Book & Mail Kit}

{Heart Pj's, Mail Kit & Fancy Nancy Book}

{Love Bug Pj's & 2 Books}

{I gave the kids stuff to play "mail" and gave them each one of those little mailboxes.  They thought it was great, but they were most fascinated by the old-school pen with the 4 colors.  Emily even took hers to Show & Tell the next day!}

{A piece of "mail" left in Emily's mailbox}

So Valentine's Day is no longer about flowers and dinner for me...
but it has become about spoiling my kids with flowers and a special dinner.

They love it.

Which makes me love Valentine's Day now too!

Just for fun...

2011 Love Dinner

2012 Love Dinner