Odd

Hello, little blog.

It's nice to see you again.

I've been markedly absent for a few months.  The reason being the chaos of life in general, as well as feeling a bit odd... emotionally and physically; leaving me with little energy or time to type out my thoughts and life moments in this little space that I have grown to love.

Vance and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary at the beginning of October.  We escaped for a kid-free weekend in Kansas City to relax and to shop model homes for floor plans in anticipation of potentially building a new house next year.  

Unbeknownst to us, that weekend trip marked the beginning of these odd feelings; both physical and emotional.

Little did we know as we shopped floor plans that offered 4 kid bedrooms on one floor that God was at work changing up our family dynamic... this time, making it odd in number {again}.  And making the need to shop for house plans more necessary than we knew as we walked the floors of those model homes.

After feeling, well... odd, for over a month, we were shocked and surprised to discover that our family would, once again, become odd in number in the summer of 2014.

The physical oddness is to be expected in early pregnancy.  But my physical symptoms are slightly different than in my previous 4 pregnancies; leaving a worrier like myself trying (much too often) to contemplate the reasons for those differences.  Things just feel different.  Odd.  And at nearly 13 weeks, I have officially entered the awkward and well... odd stage of pregnancy in which I don't look pregnant, just fat.  

But the emotional oddness is what has been affecting me more profoundly this time.  I remember the mixed and strange reactions we received when we shared that we were expecting our {planned} fourth pregnancy.  So wondering what kind of reactions we would get when we shared this {surprise} fifth pregnancy felt even more odd.  We knew we would get odd looks and reactions as well as unsolicited comments about whether or not we understand "how these things happen."  For the record, we do!  We also know how odd this news might seem to the eyes of society at large.  And thinking about all of this made us feel odd about sharing the news.

And so we held it close to us for as long as we could.  When the physical symptoms proved to be too difficult to hide any longer, we began to selectively share the news with close family and friends.  We are blessed immensely with family and friends who share our openness to life and reject societal norms about "what a family should look like."  We didn't get a single odd reaction from anyone.  Just smiles, words of heartfelt congratulations, and offers to help in any and every way.

And then we told our kids.

Without a single second of hesitation, they each smiled from ear to ear and showed us a sparkle in their eyes as they exclaimed "yea!"  Not a second thought about whether or not having another sibling would be odd for them.  Just excitement and immediate predictions about whether it would be a brother or sister.  

The next day, I went to their school to attend Mass.  As I entered the building, I was greeted with a big hug and words of "congratulations" from the school principal.  When I looked surprised by her greeting, she quickly told me that Noah had come to her that morning and asked her to pray for me (over the school intercom) because I had not been feeling well because I was pregnant.  No thoughts of whether or not another sibling would be an infringement on his life... just simple excitement and concern for his mother.

And with that act of compassion by Noah, the beans were officially spilled and our surprising news spread.

Regardless of the unexpected and overall positive reactions to our news, I still feel odd about it... even today.

Perhaps it's because I'm increasingly worried about my age; which is "advanced" by child-bearing standards.

Perhaps it's because I feel my life is in constant chaos and the idea of adding another layer feels a bit crazy.

Perhaps it's because although we will always maintain an openness to life, my head felt like Abby was the last one.

Perhaps it's because I'm being offered additional tests to "rule out" complications which is making my mind fret with fear and allowing anxiety over health concerns to consume me.

Perhaps it's because I find myself thinking about things such as how I will fit 5 car seats into my mini-van or where a 5th baby bed will reside in our already cramped living quarters.

Or perhaps it's because this is the first true surprise... the only one that we didn't think was a possibility.  

Whatever the reason for my feelings of oddness, I am certain of just one thing... but it's a very important "thing".  

It's this:  I am 100% certain that this is God's plan and will for our life.  There are very few moments in life where a person can assert that level of certainty about something.  I don't think I have ever experienced this degree of certainty about responding to God's call and knowing in the depths of my soul that I am walking in His will.  And that's a pretty great feeling!

Even though we thought our life was heading in a different direction, we remained open to allow God to reveal His plan to us should it be different than our own.  Turns out, it was different.  And the only reason we know that is because we did nothing to stop Him from revealing this plan.  That is why I can be so certain in my statement that this is God's plan for us. 

No matter how odd it might seem to society and no matter how odd it might feel to me right now, this is God's plan.

And I can trust it.