Not Cut Out for This

Today is one of those days when I feel like I'm not cut out for this.  And by this, I mean being a stay home mom to several small children.


I want to be cut out for it.  In fact, being a stay home mom has always been my desire.  I dreamed about it long before it ever became a reality.


In my dreams, though, it wasn't this hard!  


And I only have 3 kids!  Which, by the way, I am terrified of how I am going to handle adding another little one to the current chaos.  


I want a large family.  I want to be good at handling it all.  But like I said, today is one of those days that I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this.  


There is nothing I would rather do.  I consider it a privilege and tremendous blessing to be able to spend all day, everyday, with my small children.  I realize that it is the time in their life thatI will have the most influence on developing their character.  It is a responsibility that I take very seriously.  And I want to be good at it.


And on most days, I think I do a decent job.  But then there are days, like today, when I feel like I'm just simply not cut out for this.


I lose my patience.
Cry over my lack of sleep.
Obsess over the crumbs and sticky spots in my kitchen.
Loathe the thought of making another meal for my family.
Beg my children to stop "dragging everything out".
Feel like I might lose my mind as I try to calmly deal with Emily's crying outbursts.
Cringe when I see the laundry baskets; piled to the rim... again.
Tell my children that I  am too busy to play.
Sigh as I wipe another bottom; change another diaper.
Wish that I had time for myself... to sit, relax, do something I want to do.


And ponder the idea that maybe I'm not cut out for this.


But I know in my heart that it's not true.  I am cut out for it because God believes that I am.  It is the vocation that He has charged me with.  And as hard as it is on some days, I know it is my path to holiness. 


About nine months ago, I thought I had it all figured out when I wrote this post.  All of those words were true; are true.   But keeping a Heavenly and Holy perspective throughout the day to day struggles and monotonous tasks is not something that comes naturally to me.  I have to work at it.  Constantly work at it.  


I have remember to constantly pray for grace.  


The grace
To not lose my patience.
To not cry over my lack of sleep, but be disciplined in going to bed when I can.
To let go of crumbs and stickiness.
To think about the good conversation that can result during family mealtime.
To allow my kids to be kids; but then teach them responsibility in cleaning up after themselves.
To grow in the virtue of patience as Emily navigates the hormones and emotions of being three.
To take it one basket at a time; one day at a time.
To stop focusing on the tasks of homemaking so much and nurture the relationships instead.
To remember that their needs are great now, but will diminish as they grow older.


And so even on days that I feel like I'm not cut out for this, I am encouraged to know that I really am... I just have to remember that it's okay to admit that it's hard.  Admit it to myself.  To my family.  To the Internet.  Even to God.  


It is hard.  Some days are harder than others.  Like today!


But I am grateful that I have this opportunity; this path to learn to become holy.  On days like today, I feel like I'm still at the very beginning of that path.  I have so far to go.  But at least I'm beginning to recognize that I'm on the path!  


So today was one of those days.  A day when I felt like I wasn't cut out for this.


But tomorrow...


Tomorrow I will pray for more grace.  


Because I am cut out for this!  


I am.