I tend to be the helicopter type. Despite my best efforts NOT to be, I am a rescuer. And I would do just about anything to rescue my kids from feeling unsuccessful or bad about themselves.
So when both Noah and Emily began talking about wanting to try the Swim Team this summer, my rescuing instincts kicked in big time.... especially for Noah.
He was born with low muscle tone, especially in his core which makes swimming extremely challenging for him. Even after years of private year-round swim lessons, his swimming capabilities are severely limited. And so I knew in my heart that he would have a hard time with swimming. A very hard time.
Watching your kid feel sad because they feel inadequate is just about one of the hardest things for a protector parent like me. And I knew it would happen. And I knew I would have to feel it too. And I just wanted to protect him (and probably myself) from all of it. I wanted to say no!
But his best friend was swimming. And he wants to do whatever this friend does. And he had absolutely no idea how tough it would be for him and how easy it would be for his friend.
As I talked about my concerns with his friend's mom, she encouraged me to let them try. She didn't give credit to any of my objections. She kept saying... just let them try. She is not a protector like me. She is a much wiser parent who understands that life is full of new situations and kids have to learn to get through the scary feelings that come with doing something for the first time. She knows that the best parents let their kids learn from these types of experiences and allow character to develop because of them. Just let them try, she said again.
And so I did.
The first "try out" week was brutal. It was probably one of the most gut wrenching experiences for me as a parent to date. Emily was one of the worst in her age group, but somehow passed the cut. Noah had to miss the junior practice "try out" and ended up going to the senior practice on the very first day instead.
It.was.awful!
He didn't have a Speedo. Everyone else did. He didn't have goggles. Everyone else did. For crying out loud, he didn't even have a towel!
He couldn't swim the length of the pool. Other than freestyle, he had no clue what any of the strokes were. He couldn't dive. Quite frankly, he couldn't really even swim!
The coach ended up staying with Noah in the pool for the duration of the practice. It must have been so humiliating for him. By the grace of God, Vance was the one who took him to this practice. If it would have been me, I'm certain I would have had to leave to go to the car and bawl and curse myself for allowing him to be in this uncomfortable and embarrassing position... in front of his friend (who, by the way, was the best swimmer there!)
When they walked in the door after that practice, Noah looked like the wind had been knocked out of him. His eyes were huge and wet with tears that were threatening to explode from his red and tired eyes.
Vance immediately said... "I've never been more proud of him than I was tonight." He later confessed to me that he knew Noah was on the verge of tears the entire practice and felt so humiliated, but he never complained or quit. Vance said he himself was exhausted from just watching and so he knew how incredibly tough it was for Noah. But he was so proud of his effort and the fact that he kept going. He didn't quit.
So I knew in my gut I needed to do the same thing. Don't let him quit. I had to encourage him to keep trying.
Despite my innate desire to rescue him from ever feeling like that again, I not only had to let him try; I had to encourage (more like convince!) him to try again.
He did keep trying. Not without a daily fight and many,many requests to quit. But he kept going.
He kept learning.
He kept trying.
He kept getting better.
He didn't quit.
Neither of them did.
Tears eventually turned into smiles. Shivers eventually went unnoticed. And fears eventually turned into cautious confidences.
They finished the season. They might not have finished on top, or anywhere near the top for that matter, but they finished. To me, the fact that they were even on the board at all was an accomplishment!
And whoa...the improvement they made from the start of the season to the end of it was incredible! I went from watching from the sidelines, fearful they would drown, to watching with excitement over their newfound ability to swim with real swim strokes!
I often wonder what it might feel like to be the parent of kids who are the best at everything. The best reader, the most well liked, the best on the team. Being the best at things is not something I expect or even desire for my kids, but I just wonder what it would feel like. I guess I think it would feel easy. And I guess that makes me a tad bit envious of the parents of those kids.
Because it feels hard and downright awful at times to be the parent of the kid who struggles the most. And during this swim season, both of my kids struggled the most. I tried to laugh it off, but the truth is that it killed me inside to watch Noah struggle... not because he wasn't good, but because he felt inadequate. He felt bad about his abilities. He felt like the "good kids" didn't want to hang with him because he wasn't any good.
I wish he was the kind of kid who could just laugh at himself, rejoice in his own personal accomplishment and let those feelings of inadequacy roll off of him, but he's not. And I get that. Because I am the same way. We could both use an injection of optimism from time to time. Maybe that's why I want to rescue so badly... because I understand his feelings. And maybe I want to be rescued or protected from those feelings too.
But in the end, this swim season was a good life lesson for all of us.
We learned the importance of trying something new.
We learned to not quit.
We learned to work through the feelings of uncomfortableness and anxiety.
We learned that sometimes, even when we feel like we are the worst on the team, we are still inspiring others by our efforts.
We learned that there is a lot of fun that can happen when you are a part of a team.
We learned that it's not always about winning or even improving. It's just about finishing and not quitting.
We learned that our friends don't view us any differently just because we aren't the best.
We learned to cheer for teammates and friends who excelled far more than us and we learned to encourage those who struggled like us.
We learned that character is developed from the trials in life... no matter how insignificant the "trial" might be.
And I learned that even when everything in me is telling me to rescue them, I absolutely must let them try. Because it is only in trying that they will they learn...not only how to swim, but how to overcome fear, how to rise above anxiety, and how to build character. I am so glad that I listened to my friend. I probably had more anxiety than both of them combined, but I'm so glad that instead of rescuing and protecting, I let them try.
Because they learned.
And so did I.
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