He Was Happy and Confident

I often worry about my Noah.

He is self-consious.  A worrier like me.  

His disposition is serious, cautious and at times, unhappy.

As a little boy, he was happy all the time.  

Delightful.  Full of wonder and excitement.  Carefree.

And he smiled a lot.  It was a genuine "I'm happy" kind of smile.

{Getting ready for his first ever Basketball Game}

And I miss it.

A few years ago, I noticed a change in his disposition.  His happy-go-lucky attitude and constant excitement were gone.  

Maybe he just grew up and his God-given temperament developed.  

Or maybe something happened that changed him.  I still believe he became self-conscious in the beginning days of 1st grade when he was teased about his height.

{He received the "Dynamite" Award this year in Tball... because "big things come in small packages"}

Whatever the case, he is often not a happy-go-lucky kind of kid anymore.  He is sensitive and reserved and self conscious.   His feelings are easily hurt and his spirit is easily wounded.  And among other things, he lacks confidence in his athletic abilities.  

I miss that smile.  

The one that transmits JOY.  And pride.  And confidence.

{End of first Basketball season}

One of the things that shatters my heart is when I see him having to be "it" at school time after time after time during recess.  He runs and runs and runs his little heart out, but his legs are half the size of some of his peers and they simply can't keep up with the longer strides of his classmates.  He describes it in a matter of fact way:  "I am the slowest one."  He can't catch anyone and so he is always "it."

He loves sports though.  Just like his Daddy.  He has been going to KU games with his Daddy since before he was 2 years old.  He goes to as many games as possible, watches sporting events on TV, memorizes teams and scores, knows the rules and lingo, and in truth, has some natural athletic ability.

He can swing a bat and make contact nearly every time.

He has a good arm and his football gets good spin. 

He has good form when he shoots the basketball.

Tennis is easy for him.

And he can swing a golf club like a pro.

He has a BIG heart for sports.  

But he is physically small and not very strong, thanks to the low muscle tone he was born with.

I find myself feeling so stressed out during his Basketball games; praying that he will feel good about himself when the game is over.  He can shoot the ball.  Well.  But his short little body just doesn't get very many opportunities to shoot.  And so when he does, I just pray it goes in so he will be happy and feel confident about making a basket.  

My mama heart broke repeatedly last year during basketball season when Noah would routinely tell me that the opposing players were "making fun of me because I am so short."   Or when I would tell him "great game, bud" and his disappointed face would respond by saying, "I didn't even get to touch the ball."  Or when I complimented a specific play and he frustratingly responded by noting that "I didn't make any baskets."

He recognizes his challenge in basketball, even though he still plays his BIG heart out!

But golf is different.

Golf is his thing.

He has been playing 18 holes with his Daddy since he was 2 years old.

 

And he has been waiting for the opportunity to play Junior Golf since he was old enough to know what it was.  

8 years he has waited to be old enough.  Talking about it each summer; hoping that that summer would the the one that he was old enough to play.

And this summer, it was.

Just like with other sports, when he stepped onto the course, he was the smallest one out there.  Older kids towered over him; making it seem that he was out of his league again.

{1st day of junior golf lessons}

But not this time.

The golf course is the place where he can be smaller than everyone else and still excel.


It doesn't matter that he is short when he can whack the ball straighter and farther than kids 3 years older than him.

And on that course, with those bigger kids, he is happy and confident.

He can play and he feels it.  He knows it. 

It is his thing.

And so this summer, he lived on the golf course.  Not because he wanted to beat anyone; just because he simply loves the game.




At the end of the summer came the much anticipated Junior Golf Championship.  His first "real" tournament.  Where score was kept and a leader board shown.

It's been a long time since I've seen Noah so excited about something.  He was going to play against all of the other kids in the 5 hole league.  He and his Daddy washed his clubs the night before which is a ritual his dad performs before every tournament.  His daddy gifted him with new balls.  He laid out his "real golf clothes".  

And he had a goal:  Be on the leader board.

{Tournament Day... freshly washed clubs, new balls, and his Tiger Woods hat}

My stomach ached the entire morning in hopeful anticipation of the day.  I prayed that he would not be disappointed with his performance.  That he would be happy.  Confident.  And proud at the end of the long-awaited day.

When he came home, I was in the basement.  I heard a rush of footsteps upstairs and knew he was looking for me.  And then I heard him coming down the stairs.  As I walked toward the staircase, I saw him coming towards me and he had that smile again.

The one that radiated joy and pride and happiness and all things good.

The one I have missed and have rarely seen in the recent years.

I nearly cried at the sight.

I don't have an actual picture of that moment, but the image will imprinted in my mind forever.  

In that moment, looking at me, he was happy and confident.

He beamed as he said...

"I got 3rd place!"

{The sports award is is most proud of}

3rd place in a league where he was not only the smallest, but also the youngest.  

Of course, I was proud of his accomplishment.  His skill.  His ability to play a sport well.

All those things made me happy.

But more than anything, my heart rejoiced because finally, he was happy and confident.

And I got to see that smile again.

Seeing that smile... the one that radiated confidence... made up for all the anxiety I have felt during basketball games and the aching heart I have felt when I watch a game of tag at recess and the tears I've cried as I try to assure him that God gives everyone different talents.

I am so grateful that God gave him a talent that he can work with in spite of his size.  

I pray it continues... his love for the game and most of all, the confidence and joy that comes from playing it.