I Was Wrong. I Am Sorry.

Today was not a good parenting day for me.

At all.

Today I was worn out from Vance being out of town, Abby being on a "nursing strike", Molly and Emily not sleeping at night, and Noah's incessant arguing.  Today was one of those days when I allowed all of the tension and stress and chaos and repeated behavior issues get the best of me.  

And I totally and completely lost my temper with Noah.

I screamed.

I stomped.

I slammed a door.

I gave lectures to a crying child who couldn't have possibly been listening to a word I said.

I screamed some more.

I said things I wish I would not have said.

And within about 5 seconds of completing my rant, I felt sick to my stomach and overcome with shame and regret.

I was wrong.

Really wrong in the way I reacted.

Did Noah's behavior deserve punishment and consequence?

Absolutely.

Has he been pushing me to my breaking point with his stubborn temperament?

You bet he has!

Did I have reason to feel frustrated?

No doubt about it!

But the bottom line is that I was wrong.

I should never have reacted the way that I did.

I should never have said some of the things that I said.

I was wrong.

Noah and I have been having a lot of discussions recently about fault and wrongdoing and taking responsibility for our own actions.  He is preparing to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation in a few weeks and that fact, combined with his escalating refusal to admit fault, have given rise to many conversations about admitting fault and apologizing for it.  Interestingly, these "struggles" have allowed me to see the Sacrament of Reconciliation in a whole new light (which I hope to write about soon).  Nevertheless...  

Today, I remembered something.

Admitting you are wrong and that you need forgiveness is not as easy as I make it out to be during these talks I've been having with Noah.  And as a parent, it is often just as hard for me to admit fault as it is for Noah to admit when he is wrong.

As a matter of fact, when I think about it, I've never been good at admitting my faults.  And I'm even worse at saying I'm sorry when my actions warrant an apology.  Just ask my mom and dad!  As a teenager, I had such a hard time saying "I'm sorry" that I would often have to write apology notes because I was too prideful to say the words out loud.  

My difficulty in admitting fault and saying "I'm sorry" carried into my marriage as well.  Just ask Vance!  He is almost always first to apologize... even when the argument was a result of my words or actions; not his.

But even though it is hard, I know it is necessary to verbally tell someone when you have hurt them; either by your words or your actions.  

And that includes my kids.

Being a parent doesn't give me a free pass in the apology department!

So tonight, as I tucked Noah into bed, we had another conversation about admitting fault and making amends.

But it was a little different than the other talks we've had.  I said to him...

I was wrong today.

I should never have reacted the way that I did.

It doesn't matter how frustrated I was with you, yelling like that is never okay.

I am sorry for the way I acted.

I am sorry for the things I said.

I didn't mean them.

I was wrong today.

Really, really wrong.

And I am so sorry.

Will you forgive me?

He did.

And as I left his room with tears in my eyes, I realized that the conversation we just had about admitting fault was, without a doubt, the most effective and persuasive one we will ever have.

Parents are the teachers.

But the teachers are human and the teachers mess up occasionally.

And I think it might be in those "mess up moments" that the parents have the greatest impact on their ability to teach... by their example.

So today was a bad parenting day for me.

I was wrong.

But I admitted it to my son.

I apologized to him.

I was forgiven by him.

And I think that in this "mess up moment", we both learned a very valuable lesson.