Performance Review

Back when I worked in a professional position (Tax CPA, for those interested), I always looked forward to my annual performance review.  I found that getting a positive performance review reinvigorated me to continue working hard; it motivated me to continue doing the best job I could do.  And even if my review had areas in which I needed to improve, I always felt more confident in my abilities after receiving a review.  It must have been something about seeing my strengths in written form or hearing out loud that I was doing well.  My performance reviews gave me the validation I somehow needed to feel confident in my own abilities.

Now that my job is a full time mother and wife, I no longer receive those annual reviews.  The "reviews" I hear often come in the form of a disgruntled child screaming "you are so mean", or "you are not fair", or "you never let me do what I want."  I don't know about you, but my children are not in the habit of telling me what a great job I'm doing by making them meals, folding their clothes, or driving them to and from their many different activities.  I've never heard them utter the words "Mom, you are exceeding expectations with your home management!"

After a long and hot summer with 4 small kids, I realized today how much I miss the validation and encouragement that my performance reviews used to give me.  I miss both the written and verbal recognition of a job well done.  I miss that "pat on the back" feeling... the one that catapulted me to continue working hard even through my exhaustion.

I miss all these things because when it comes to full time child-rearing and wifely duties, I often feel like a complete failure.  After all...

My kids argue with me, fight with each other, refuse to eat the food I make, make messes they don't clean up, throw fits, sometimes don't brush their teeth, bang on doors, and play way too many electronics!

My house is messy, my kids eat foods with too much sugar and food dyes, my photo books are years out of date,  I "pin" ideas for playing with my kids, but never actually do them, my home cooking is sporadic at best, I don't keep a consistent schedule, and the beds are often unmade.

I don't plan dates with my husband, I get bitter when he works so late, and I fail to thank him for all that he does for us.

And worst of all...

I get frustrated and tired and grumpy.  And when I get that way, everyone knows it!  I yell.  I get angry.  I overreact.  And sometimes I even cry.  In other words, I do not model the types of behavior I want my children to emulate.  At all!

So in light of all of this, I'd have to say if I were receiving a "performance review" for my role as  full time mother and wife, it would look pretty bad!  Bad as in totally "not meeting expectations"!  

But if I were really evaluating myself, I'd have to give myself some credit too.  There are some things that I think I actually do well.  Areas in which I'm at least "meeting expectations"...  maybe even "exceeding" them.  So to give myself a "pat on the back", I thought of a few of things I could list in the "doing good" part of my performance review:

• Making special occasions special and memorable
• Organizing toys, closets, and paperwork
• Planning and throwing birthday parties
• Being a thoughtful friend 
• Teaching my kids to be polite and use manners
• Keeping my house {relatively} clean
• Managing the kids' many activities and schedules
• Teaching my kids their faith
• Making my home a pretty place for us to live

Oh, and I am a mean iron-er.  I think I am the only mother in the whole school who irons Noah's uniforms!  And my own sweats :)

The point of all of this is that motherhood is often a thankless job.  We don't get performance reviews.  No written, black & white, affirmation of our abilities to do our jobs.  No verbal reinforcement that we're making good decisions.  No "pats on the back" to keep us motivated despite our exhaustion and frustration.  

And as a result, I think it's pretty easy to get caught up in the "not meeting expectations" mentality of motherhood.  The expectations are generally set by ourselves though.  And if I were being completely honest with myself, I'd have to admit that perhaps the expectations I set for myself are too high.  Because even on my worst days, my children are still clothed and fed.  They have a lovely and safe place to live.  They know right from wrong.  They are prayed with.  And they are always, always kissed goodnight and told how much they are loved.    

And in the grand scheme of things, the only metric on my motherhood "performance review" that really matters is whether or not my kids and my husband know how much I love them.  

And I think they do.

Pat. Pat. Pat.