The Last Time

After a month of insane "nesting", I have been laying down, on my left side, for the past 48 hours.  My pregnant body has finally given out on me and I've been forced to stop all of my incessant projects.


As I lay here, with lists of unfinished projects flashing through my mind, I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed for a variety of reasons...  


because I have so many uncrossed off items on my "to do" lists.... 
because my hormones are raging and crying just seems to be a natural side effect.... 
because I'm in excruciating pain; worse than giving birth kind of pain....
because all of my plans to prepare for baby have been interrupted... 

But also because the down time is forcing me to think about the impending birth of my daughter.  And whether or not it will be the last time...

• the last time I feel the movements of a tiny miracle inside of me
• the last time I wash up tiny pink gowns and sleepers in anticipation of the sweet baby who will soon wear them
• the last time I prepare a diaper bag 
• the last time I dress up a baby crib with sweet baby bedding
• the last time I purchase itty bitty diapers
• the last time I see the excitement of my older children as they kiss my big tummy
• the last time I think about baby names
• the last time I feel the "nesting" instinct and the excited anxiety that comes with welcoming a new baby
• the last time...

I can't believe that nine months have passed and that the time is almost here.  In all honesty, the past nine months have been hard.  Very hard.  Physically and emotionally.  

From a physical standpoint, there are many reasons I am happy to be nearing the end of this journey.  As Vance said to me a week or so ago, my body "just isn't made" for having lots of babies.  My body doesn't handle the physical stress very well.  And this fourth go around has proved to be tougher, much tougher, than ever before.  Even as I type, I'm dealing with an extremely painful side effect of pregnancy that has not plagued me in the past.  One that has forced me to pray over whether or not I will have surgery in the coming days... at 38 1/2 weeks gestation.

And there have been emotional challenges as well.  I won't detail them, but this pregnancy has taken its emotional toil not only on me, but on the other members of my immediate and extended family as well.  

So given all of the "challenges" (although they still pale in comparison to what others have to deal with; which makes me feel guilty for even calling them challenges...) that having a fourth baby has presented to my family, it seems logical and reasonable that I would be able to definitively say with confidence that this will be the last time.  

That this is our fourth and final child.

But I can't do it.  

I won't do it!

As I've busied myself amidst a mirage of insane "nesting" projects in the past few weeks, I've been reminded over and over how quickly time passes and that babies don't last long...    

I cried when I packed up the Thomas the Train set and placed it high up on a closet shelf; saving it to be handed on to my grandchildren one day.

I cried when I took these pictures...

It was the last night that Noah slept in his upstairs room.  I remember, like it was yesterday, taking the picture on the very first night he slept in this room; days before Emily made her way into the world.  And now it is repainted, with different furniture, awaiting another new sibling.  And Noah sleeps in a different room... a bigger one for my much bigger boy.

I cried when I opened up these...

Nearly seven years of clothing that I carefully selected and dressed my firstborn in.  As I pulled out outfit after outfit, I could vividly remember Noah wearing these clothes; what we did while he wore them; how "easy" and carefree those days seemed in comparison to the chaotic days of today.  And although the clothes had to go and they all went to lovely friends, it still saddened me to think that one of my children would not wear these clothes again.

I cried as I typed all of those words; just thinking about it all!

Now I could blame all of these emotions on crazy pregnancy hormones.   And I'm sure that hormones do play a part in my heightened emotion.  But I can not, and will not, blame pregnancy insanity for 100% of my emotion and unwillingness to declare this to be the last time.

As I've mentioned before, my heart changed when we embraced the historic and unwavering teaching of the Catholic Church on artificial contraception and sterilization.  I've shared my stories about embracing Natural Family Planning here and here and here.  

It is that "heart change" that leads to my emotion over whether or not this will be the last time.  The more I've embraced a general openness to life, the more my heart has opened towards the number of children I would like.  And the harder it has become to be definitive and final in thinking about the size of my family.  

It has been a shift in thought for me; a letting go of the selfishness and society norms and an acceptance of the transformation that so-called challenges can bring (as expressed here).  I don't know exactly how to put it into words.  Natural Family Planning changes your heart.  It just does.

So in my frenzied and heightened state of emotion, I am more grateful than ever before for the Church's teaching.  For without it, I might be inclined to make a rash decision I might one day regret.  I might actually believe myself when I tell myself that I can't possibly do this again... that it has to be the last time.

Even though, at this moment, I feel like this should and might very well be the last time, I have great peace in knowing that a decision of that magnitude is not mine alone to make.  It brings me great comfort to know that even though Vance and I may feel like our family is complete with four children, should God have other plans for us, we will trust and embrace those plans.  Because He knows best.  And we have not, and will not, do anything to artificially remove Him from planning our family.

So as I continue to lay here in bed, I am intentionally holding on to the voracious and miraculous movements in my belly with a little more focus than I have in the past.  Because I know that it might be the last time I feel the specialness of them.

But then again, it might not.

And that is all I need to know to calm my emotional, anxious, and overwhelmed heart!