On the Subject of Manners

"Good manners open doors that the best education cannot."
~ Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas


I wasn't raised in the South, but as a child, I never addressed an adult by their first name.  I had to ask to be excused from the dinner table and I knew not to talk with food in my mouth.  I wrote thank you notes, said please & thank you, and cleaned up after myself when I stayed the night with a friend.


My mother taught me to use good manners.  Demanded them actually.  And I am grateful that she did!


Several events of late have left me pondering whether I am the only parent out there who still feels that teaching... dare I say demanding, good manners from my children is the "right thing to do".  Call me old fashioned, but I expect my children to address adults with a proper honorific (Mr. or Miss), ask to be excused from the dinner table, SIT at the dinner table while eating, ask for things with a please and thank you, and clean up after themselves to the extent that they are able.  Do they do it all the time without my constant reminding?  Of course not, but that doesn't stop me from trying to raise civilized children in a world where incivility seems to be par for the course.


I don't respond when a child screams "I want...." at me.  As I tell my children, I am happy to get things for children who ask politely.  I inwardly cringe when I see others respond to such rude demands from their children.  Maybe it's habit, fatigue, or a "pick your battles" mentality that has perpetrated a "manners don't matter" attitude among so many parents in our society.  Whatever the reason, I find that a lack of common courtesy is becoming much too much the norm.


And it's not just the kids who don't know how to mind their P's & Q's.  It's the adults too.  


I feel like writing a PSA (Public Service Announcement) informing people that the 4 letters R.S.V.P. mean "Please Respond".  They do not mean "respond only if you are coming" or "don't respond if you don't like the kind of invitation it is" or "just ignore the fact that someone took the time to mail you an invitation of some sort"!  They mean, "Please Respond"!  The person who invited you to an event is likely trying to plan how much food and beverage to serve, hence the reason for the R.S.V.P.!


Or another PSA could be on the topic of texting while eating with others.  I continue to be horrified by the number of people who find it perfectly acceptable to have a text "conversation" while they are at the dinner table... with people who are actually present!  When did an electronic device become more important than the people who are actually present at the table?  


A friend of mine told me that her soon to be daughter-in-law actually told her that she didn't care anything about etiquette because etiquette is just for people who want to show off.  As ridiculous as that statement is, I fear that it has become a sentiment that is shared by far too many adults these days.  And if that's the kind of attitude that the young adults of our generation have, raising kids with good manners is going to continue to be an uphill battle!


Plain and simple, etiquette, or good manners, is showing common courtesy and a genuine respect towards other people.  That's it.  Common Courtesy.  Basic Respect.  And in my humble opinion, there is nothing old fashioned about that.


So I will continue to fight the good fight in the war against good manners.  While my kids will be kids and will undoubtedly forget to use their good manners on many occasions, I can't help but hope that, like me, one day they will be grateful that I taught them these basic life skills.  


In the meantime, in this house, we will continue to R.S.V.P. to invitations we receive, we will ask to be excused from the table, we will ask for things politely, we will say please and thank you, we will hand write thank you notes, we will say excuse me when we bump into someone, we will address adults with honorifics, and we will learn to be courteous amongst the many who aren't.


"The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners when they don't see any."
~ Fred Astaire