A Spirit of Fear

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear but rather 

of power and love and self-control."

2 Timothy 1:7

I'm not proud to admit it, but I feel like I have a spirit of fear.


And I know it is not from the Lord.  Rather, it is from the one who knows how to prey on my weakness.  And these are some of my strongest weaknesses.


Fear...


Worry...


Anxiety...


I come by it naturally.  My mom is a worrier.  I like to blame her and think that I inherited these unbecoming traits.  


Whether it's inherited or not, regrettably, worry is something that is a part of who I am.


And there is nothing I long to change more than my inability to trust.  To not worry. 


For as long as I can remember praying, I've given my fear and worry to the Lord.  But almost as quickly as I give it to Him, I take it back!  


As I've grown older, and know more about life's realities, I find myself worrying more.  
Not less.  


As my relationship with Jesus has grown, my worries and fears have grown too.  
Not weakened.  


I know what that means.  It means I'm having a trust issue with God Himself.  


My family often laughs at me.  


They call me Dr. Internet.  


It seems I am always able to (mis) diagnosis anyone and everything by looking on the Internet.  And of course, my (mis) diagnoses' are almost always a cancer of some type.  Or some other life threatening, debilitating disease.


I have a mental calendar that knows when every person in my family is due for a physical, a mammogram, a colonoscopy, a PSA check, a heart check.  I read about supplements that they should take, that I should take, that I should give to my kids.  I read about not using plastic in the mircrowave, using organic sunscreen and bug spray, using plastic that does not contain BPA.  I use natural laundry detergent, give my kids probiotics, clean with natural cleaning products, take Vitamin D3 supplements.  All of these things... I obsess over them in the hope of keeping every single person in my family healthy.


And then there are the blog stories.  Vance has all but begged me to stop reading blogs because too often, I accidentally happen upon a blog about a baby, a child, a mother, a father with a devastating illness.  I think the blog world makes the real world seem small.  Like everywhere you turn or read, someone has cancer or has suffered a devastating accident.    Granted, I don't personally know most of these people.   But their stories make me realize that bad things, really bad things, happen everyday to good, God loving people.


And so to top off all of my other worries, I now find myself checking bruises on my kids, watching markings to see if they change, feeling their limbs for lumps as I put lotion on them at night, watching their gaits as they walk, worrying over a headache or a growing pain.


I, definitely, have a spirit of fear.


I look at my three healthy children, myself and Vance, my parents...


Sure, we've had our fair share of crosses to carry.  But truthfully, in the grand scheme of things, they are nothing!  We have been blessed with a very happy and healthy life.


And my fear....


My worry...


My anxiety...


It tells me that at any point in time, all that might come crumbling down on me.  


These thoughts, these fears... they are not from God.


Last week, when my mom and I went to church in Texas, the priest preached on fear and worry.  Two things that he said really hit home with me.  


He said, "Worry sucks the life out of your soul."


I can most definitely relate to that.  My worry and fear overwhelms me.  It exhausts me.  I desperately want to rid myself from it so that I can fully enjoy the blessed life I have.  My worry often robs me of joy.


He also said, "Worry is the antithesis of faith."


And right now I've got myself wrapped up in a great big ball of worry over my little Molly.  She has a rare birthmark.  Four different pediatricians have looked at it.  All of them say they have never seen one like it.  It has started to change in color and size.  So now we have an appointment with a pediatric dermatologist at Children's Mercy in Kansas City.  And, well... I've allowed the worry and fear to enter my soul.  I've convinced myself that my baby girl has some form of rare cancer.  And even though my pediatrician tells me she is not overly concerned, I am still afraid.  Very afraid.


I think that worry IS the antithesis of faith because it doesn't allow a person to wholeheartedly trust a God who is trustworthy.


Sometimes, I'm afraid to trust.  Afraid because as I've grown in my relationship with Christ and in my faith, I've come to realize that God's will and my will might not be the same.  


And that's what I'm afraid of.  


My will is that Molly's birthmark will be nothing.  
My will is that every single member of my family will live long and healthy lives.
My will is that we will be safe every time we get in the car. 


But what if God has a different plan?


That's what I'm afraid of.

I don't have the answers to my own questions regarding this matter.  I know the answers lie in continuing to work on my relationship with Christ.  


For I know that He did not give me a spirit of fear.


And I know He is trustworthy.

Lord, help me to trust you today, tomorrow, always.

Give me peace from my anxiety.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”

Phillipians 4:6-7